The perfume of every single person I kissed and hugged last evening still lingers on my arms. I won’t wash it away; not just yet. I’ll let it rest there while I write this post…
Two days ago when we wrapped the film and everyone was happy and clapping and kind of emotional, I felt nothing. I wasn’t touched. But yesterday, with photos and video from the shootings playing on a loop against the wall, something began to stir in me. As if the present had to become past in order to reach me emotionally. Don’t know why this always happens with me. When everyone’s crying, saying farewells, saying “I’ll miss you”s, I find it hard to empathize. I can’t envision the loss because the people are still in front of me. It’s only later (sometimes much later) that their absence hits me…
It’s like back then…
So how come I feel nothing in connection to the fact of separation? How come no tears come to my eyes? Is it because I am still on my way back? Is it because I have still not experienced the loneliness and the alienation? Will it hit me tomorrow morning when I will be waking alone in unfamiliar (even though so familiar) surroundings? Do I maybe feel too numb to feel anything else? Or am I after all so able to land smoothly after my fall from one planet to the next? Can I re-adjust so fast and painlessly? No scars? How can that be? When is it that I start to miss? And what is it exactly that I will start missing? Voices? Colours? Smells?
People are made of flesh and bones.
Two days ago when we wrapped the film and everyone was happy and clapping and kind of emotional, I felt nothing. I wasn’t touched. But yesterday, with photos and video from the shootings playing on a loop against the wall, something began to stir in me. As if the present had to become past in order to reach me emotionally. Don’t know why this always happens with me. When everyone’s crying, saying farewells, saying “I’ll miss you”s, I find it hard to empathize. I can’t envision the loss because the people are still in front of me. It’s only later (sometimes much later) that their absence hits me…
It’s like back then…
So how come I feel nothing in connection to the fact of separation? How come no tears come to my eyes? Is it because I am still on my way back? Is it because I have still not experienced the loneliness and the alienation? Will it hit me tomorrow morning when I will be waking alone in unfamiliar (even though so familiar) surroundings? Do I maybe feel too numb to feel anything else? Or am I after all so able to land smoothly after my fall from one planet to the next? Can I re-adjust so fast and painlessly? No scars? How can that be? When is it that I start to miss? And what is it exactly that I will start missing? Voices? Colours? Smells?
People are made of flesh and bones.
